Won’t somebody wash the plane?

// November 9th, 2008 // Brain Dump

Photo Credit:US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration What ever happened to the glory days of air travel? You know, when airplanes were at least clean on the outside.. Seriously – when was the last time you were at the terminal looking out at the planes you’re about to board and didn’t find yourself thinking “Why doesn’t someone run that thing through a car wash – wait, what’s the airplane equivalent..”? I know people who take better care of their $5k beater car than these guys do of a $30m airplane!

Back in the day (you know, the time period when everything was better than it is now), the airplanes were sparkly clean, flight attendants were beaming with friendliness and excitement, your luggage arrived when you did, and the thrill of flying was, well, thrilling!

At this point I should make a couple clarifications… I am currently sitting on a Southwest Airlines flight somewhere over the Rocky Mountains enrtoue to Las Vegas. The attendants are indeed a cheerful bunch (Air Canada – are you paying attention? No. Of course you’re not – what was I thinking?), the inside is clean, menial snacks were offered, the battery in my laptop has died, and yes, I think the lady to my left (wife on the left and hubby to my right.. yeah, I don’t get it either) has finally settled on a colour choice for her nails… Although I have to admit that doing your nails and using the overhead ventilation system to dry them is both a good time waster on a 5 hour flight, and a use for a service provided by the airlines for free. Well yes, we DID pay for that air in the price of our airline ticket, however, I refuse to believe that an airline can actually charge us for air – let alone be the one paying for it. Surprisingly, I’m not going to complain about the stench of cheap nail polish emanating from my left (wait, how would I know the difference between cheap and expensive nail polish?) simply because it is a welcome relief from the toxic perfume someone decided to shower in immediately before we started this little voyage together…

Travel by air has certainly lost its lustre over the years as it slowly became a commodity and people decided to be stupid. You know what I mean: serving alcohol to drunken belligerents, taking away nail clippers and knitting needles from little old ladies while at the same time providing you with a hardened stainless steel knife to cut through what is allegedly chicken (even though, and surprisingly, it doesn’t taste like chicken…). Oh, toss in the removal of actual meals (which kinda solved the knife issue…), in flight entertainment, space, and free alcohol, and we’re left with a bunch of unhappy travellers who suddenly turn insanely selfish trying to get every last bit of value out of a system that has removed it all.

While pondering my next paragraph, I looked up and saw the captain conversing with some flight attendants on this side of the bomb-proof door – wait, am I even allowed to write the word ‘bomb’ on an airplane? Let alone, a US airplane?! Where did the world suddenly go sideways that well behaved youngsters are no longer invited up to see the cockpit and ask the captain (always the captain – sorry co-pilot) what the big flashing red light is for? Going up to the cockpit is the only thing above seeing the inner workings of a McDonald’s at an age where it truly is impressive! Ok, not the greatest comparison because at 32 I’m still waiting to ask what the big flashing red light is for – but hey, won’t somebody think of the children?!

To top it off, in a world where more and more is being produced in China for even cheaper than it was before, now the airlines decided to stop giving away small plastic replicas of their airplanes, but decided to charge you $20 for one if you happen to be on a flight that actually sells them. See? You remember the small plastic airplanes, don’t you? Sure, we still get our peanuts (well, in the US you do – haven’t seen them in Canada for years now for some reason), but the peanuts went really, really well with the free booze. Serving peanuts now is simply a slap in the face. It’s like having your village pillaged, your women raped, and your livestock stolen by a warring tribe and at the end of it all someone turns to you and says “Well, at least we have our health!” even though you’re missing limbs from battle and the lack of medical care means you’ll die within days… Harsh comparison? No, I don’t think so. What IS impressive about the peanuts though is that I believe the airlines have finally found the exact MINIMUM number of peanuts that can be served. One more peanut and the airline goes bankrupt, but one less and people will begin to pass on the offering and wake up to the fact that their air travel world has crumbled around them, and the only thing that kept them placated and oblivious for this long was the nostalgic offering of peanuts. Offer a peanut to an elephant and see how excited they get – why would we be any different?

So what’s the solution? Take the train. Food, wine, internet and cell phone service, leg room, no seatbelt sign, and most importantly, no strip-tease or x-rays before you board. Just simple, happy, restful, and unobtrusive travel. The way it should be.

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3 Responses to “Won’t somebody wash the plane?”

Brad K. says:

November 9, 2008 at 9:22 pm

I have nothing to do with the airline industry, and am only guessing.

Back when planes were sparkling clean? I think that was a combination of knee-jerk habit – the nuts that drove the first airplanes needed to keep track of how much oil and other fluids was lost, per flight. Clean the plane each flight, and you can measure the smears to gauge how the engine is doing. There may also have been a leftover compulsion to a clean plane, to back when the ‘skin’ was fabric (before aluminum and other metal skins). And keeping the petrol wiped down help delay saturating the whole flaming kaboodle.

Another issue was the glamour attached to early commercial aviation. The advertising and entire airport concept were ‘space age’ – a touch of the luxury the rich afforded, available to most of the ‘common’ man. Remember, about that time most gas stations hired guys to run out when you pulled up, one would fill your gas tank, another check the oil, while the third was checking tire pressure and washing your windows. Keeping the airplane clean was part of the petroleum industry image of ‘clean’ fuel and clean transportation – no coal smoke, stench, and sparks here!

I think there was concern, that the more grit and grime you let accumulate on the plane, the more drag – and reduction in fuel efficiency per mile. Thus the wash.

I imagine that most airlines ran into time crunches – trying to fly more routes with fewer planes – and shaving maintenance cycles, including washing the plane, to make schedule.

While airlines are going broke, they still hire accountants to figure out that going from meals to salads can me 3 cents more on the stock dividends – why, they couldn’t drop the menu fast enough. When you fly many planes, many times a day, the little expenses will add up. I imagine if they found that dropping a (union) job to wash the plane, dropping the cost of the water and cleanser, and I suppose in California at least, the cost of disposing the dirty water, saved them more money than leaving the plane dirty cost them in fuel efficiency – they would let the plane fly looking like they didn’t care.

I recall the song about “The poor they got hope, the Rich can buy soap” from the Lee Marvin, Clint Eastwood musical “Paint Your Wagon. I imagine the airlines ‘rich’ enough to have adequate delays before having to send a plane off again may well be rich enough to have someone clean the silly thing, maybe even do the routine maintenance on a routine schedule. Almost like they cared about their people as well as customers. But then, if there were a rich airline like that, likely no one else would figure out why they were getting alone OK.

I was returning from a job interview maybe ten years ago, on a Southwest flight. The cabin was chilly, and that bitty airplane blanket felt really comfortable. So I asked the flight attendant where I could buy one for my own. And she tore the tag off the thing and told me to keep it. I have it across my legs right now. Maybe 3′ by 5′, more or less, still as soft, warm. And I still think highly of Southwest. Even if I never did find out where to buy a real airplane blanket.

Brad K.s latest blog post: Hey, That’s what I say, too!
Tully says:

November 10, 2008 at 9:07 am

Surprisingly, the only thing that saved me from the toxic marinade that the woman beside me drowned in was that little green blanket… I had the overhead vent on high to try and circulate the air and the poor thing was getting cold. She asked for one of those blankets and problem solved – terrible stench was covered! Now, each time she reached out to take a cup from the flight attendant I would get a blast of fumes, however, for the most part that little, thin, cheap blanket saved my life. Also, she remarked after the flight how warm it kept her.

Southwest has a lot going for them and thankfully WestJet up here has taken note and is following suit with their customer service. The whole no reserved seating leaves a bit to be desired, but on the whole, at least the people are friendly.

It all does come down to the dollars, and yes, disposing of dirty plane water must have it’s own insanity tied to it in the state of California, yet it is one of those things that make you wonder: if they’re not going to look after the main tool of their trade, how well are they going to look after me? Do you take financial advice from someone who is poor? Do you take your car to be serviced at Harley Davidson? I’m not doubting the fact that the aircraft are likely in top working condition, however, when things start to slide, how far do they slide before it effects you?

Planes were kept clean way back when because at some point, someone actually cared as opposed to just a bunch of flight crew punching a clock and waiting for their next vacation day. I get it, and I work hard too which is really the true shame of it all.

Somewhere along the way, travel by air lost its luster for us AND the airlines.
Ronnica says:

January 14, 2009 at 4:29 pm

Flying certainly isn’t an enjoyable experience, but I’ve been very forunate to have an empty seat next to me on about 1/2 the flights I’ve been on in the last couple of years. Unusual, I know, but it’s worked out that way, even if there is only one empty seat on the plane. I should probably check into my personal hygiene now…

Ronnicas latest blog post: God is Too Efficient to Waste Our Time