LOGICal eMOTIONs

You Want Feedback – Not “Constructive Criticism”.

// August 10th, 2007 // 12 Comments » // Logical Emotions, The MINeD Field

Criticism: a serious examination and judgment of something

Is there such a thing as ‘constructive criticism‘? Well, for one, it goes against the best advice ever written:

“Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain” – Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

Criticism also involves the dreaded “J” word: judgment… Now judgment by someone has a certain end to it where there is no further room for discussion or anything else for that matter. To actually pass judgment on something (or worse, someone) means to draw conclusions or reach a final decision. If you think of a competition where judging is involved, it typically goes something like, “3rd place goes to X, 2nd place goes to Y, and 1st place goes to Z. The rest of you can go home and the matter is closed.”. They have been judged, and the final decision has been made.

But it’s constructive you say? How so? Through criticism you have passed a judgment and have automatically closed the door on the subject. How can this be useful? Constructive or not, criticism involves someone passing judgment.

Have you ever been told by (or heard) a parent tell their child that they need to learn how to accept constructive criticism? Ever wonder why kids have such a hard time accepting it? Simple, they understand it and plainly see it as someone else’s judgment. It’s only after years of being told that constructive criticism is GOOD do we begin to use it ourselves.

Construct – to build
Critique – to judge

To build judgment? Absolutely insane. To me at least, there is absolutely no such thing as constructive criticism, and it needs to be eliminated from our vocabulary.

Feedback: The process of communication whereby a person can disagree, ask a question, repeat information for understanding, or otherwise talk back in the communication process

Brilliant isn’t it?

The challenge at times is being mistaken for providing criticism when your intent was to provide feedback. For me, I get caught in this more frequently that I care to admit…

Feedback in it’s purity is communication. It is communication with the purpose of exploring possibilities that are not your own where you have the ultimate choice to accept or deny them. Where we get a bit touchy at times is when it comes to negative feedback; but is negative feedback bad?

Negative criticism is a judgment passed on a subject that is not in its favor. Negative feedback on the other hand, is simply feedback that is the result of a process. The only reason that it is negative is simply because in relation to the desired outcome (which would be positive), it is the opposite, which is negative. If we don’t get the result that we desire, negative feedback will help to identify where something might have gone wrong and ultimately create a better process. When we get positive feedback, it is simply a confirmation that our process is indeed correct and that no changes need to be made. Getting some feedback that is not in correlation with your intended result? Great, compare the feedback to the process to see what may need to be changed to get the desired result.

Now when it comes to the feedback itself, for me, I believe in the ultimate requirement of honest and direct feedback.

The key to providing great feedback is to simply ask the initial question: “Is this process meeting it’s desired result?”, and then with each part of the feedback you are providing simply ask: “Am I passing judgment?”.

Ever provided feedback and it didn’t go well? Are you sure you weren’t passing judgment?

In the world of email and blog comments, it is absolutely more critical than ever to ensure that your feedback isn’t mistaken for judgment. Unfortunately, it is more difficult to take the direct approach electronically simply because it doesn’t allow for the nuances of body language, and more often than not, small things such as or go completely unnoticed when in fact they are absolutely critical. If you think that it might be mistaken as judgment, change your response so that there is no misunderstanding at all. If it can be mistaken – it will – trust me.

The great thing about feedback is that because you are not passing judgment, you are able to be as direct and honest as you possibly can – and you should! With feedback you are looking at the process and how it relates to the end result. The moment we pass judgment on something, as we all know, that is when things tend to go off the rails. People’s feelings get hurt, misunderstandings develop into issues and conflict, and all the while, communication about the process vs. result breaks down and nothing is improved upon.

It is our prime responsibility when asked for feedback to be as direct and honest as possible. To be any less is to do a great disservice to all parties involved. To be afraid of hurting someones feelings is a key indication that you may be quite close to passing a judgment and not providing feedback… People’s feelings get hurt when judged, but not when provided with feedback.

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Understandings Change Beliefs

// August 5th, 2007 // 6 Comments » // Logical Emotions, The MINeD Field

BELIEF: any cognitive content held as true
UNDERSTAND: know and comprehend the nature or meaning of

How easy is it to change someone’s beliefs about something? Take for example, someone’s religious beliefs – can you easily change them? Could you more easily change someone’s understanding of the subject of their beliefs? My understanding is that yes, you can more easily change someone’s beliefs through understanding than just attacking their beliefs about it.

Poor Self Image is a result of the beliefs you have about yourself, that you or others have imposed upon you. If you understood yourself better, how these beliefs came to be, how you accepted them to be true, and how they have affected your life, would it now be easier to change your so-called ‘beliefs’?

“Human beings always act, feel, and perform in accordance with what they imagine to be true about themselves and their environment.” – Maxwell Malts, The New Psycho-Cybernetics

One of the greatest discoveries we can EVER make in our life, is the discovery of our own LIMITING BELIEFS. Limiting beliefs are the sand that covers the land mines surrounding your self image. Each time a limiting belief is discovered, it is the opportunity to improve your self image dramatically.

Limiting beliefs come in the form of fictional ‘truths’ which have nicely been bestowed upon you by others and/or yourself. When you tell yourself, or believe that you are not able to do something, you have just installed a limiting belief. You clearly have the choice of believing it or not, however the moment that you believe it to be true, it is. But are all limiting beliefs bad? Well, when I tell myself that I am not able jump 10′ vertically into the air under my own power, technically, this is a limiting belief, however, it then becomes a matter of relevance does it not?

The level at which we hold a belief to be true is directly proportional to the level of authority that it comes from. A parent at an early age telling us ‘truths’ about ourselves and the world around us are more likely to believed due to our belief that they are the authority on the subject. As we grow older, our beliefs are influenced more and more by greater numbers of people who we believe to be authorities on various subjects – including ourselves!

“What we hear from a source we accept as authoritative is given far more weight than the same statements if heard from what is to us at the time a less credible source. What we see, hear, or experience with intensity has added weight. And what we hear repetitively from authoritative sources has even more weight.” – Maxwell Malts, The New Psycho-Cybernetics

If we now take a child who doesn’t study for tests, fails routinely, and has a figure of ‘authority’ telling them that they are dumb or a failure, will the child not believe that they are so? Now to simply tell the child that they are brilliant will have some impact, however, to truly change their beliefs, their understandings must change first.

We can even look back into history and find examples where beliefs were instilled by authoritative sources, but through better understanding these beliefs changed and the authoritative sources became less credible. For example, at a point in time people believed, that the sun revolved around the Earth. When we look further into it and apply authority and understanding, we can easily see that at the time, the church had much power and was considered the authority on just about everything. At the time, based on the church’s understanding of the universe, their belief was that the sun, did indeed revolve around the earth. Unfortunately, the church’s beliefs about the solar system were based on their understanding of scripture, specifically:

“[the LORD] set the earth on its foundations; it can never be moved.” – Psalm 104:5
“the sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.” – Ecclesiastes 1:5
“the world is firmly established, it cannot be moved.” – Chronicles 16:30

When Galileo Galilei arrived on the scene, he had a completely opposite belief about the relationships of celestial bodies, simply because he had a different (and clearly better) understanding.

What is truly remarkable here is that the only thing that changed was understanding. A better understanding about something was enough to change the beliefs of the Catholic church, who at the time was the (self-appointed) authority on everything, and was hell-bent on instilling beliefs into the minds of really, the world.

Now I realize that this is dangerously close to running down the science vs. religion path, so I will cut this current thread short and simply jump back to the point that beliefs – ANY belief – can be changed through better understanding. Religious beliefs, beliefs about society, the environment, work, the economy, your family, and even yourself can be changed through understanding.

When we realize that we have a belief about ourselves that we know just isn’t right, the best thing we can do is change our understanding.

“I will always be fat” – change your understanding about health and nutrition.
“I will always be poor” – read a book about accounting or about being an entrepreneur.
“I’m not that smart” – do some self-discovery and inventorying and understand what it is that you are good at and what you are not.

Remember, when we look at beliefs about ourselves, we need to look at two things: the authority that instilled it, and our level of understanding. We have the choice to change either or both and determine our own beliefs.

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Congruence

// July 16th, 2007 // 7 Comments » // Logical Emotions, The MINeD Field

In a previous post, we covered the fact that commitment is crap, simply because it is predetermined by priority. Depending on the level of priority we place upon something, it will automatically determine our own levels of commitment to that item. The reality is that we no longer have to worry about commitment, and in a world hung up on “you must be committed to ___”, it could potentially eliminate quite a bit of stress for some – don’t worry about commitment, just make sure your priorities are correct.

Now, what wasn’t covered previously was what influences the actual setting of priorities: congruence. If we are not congruent with our priorities, how can we possibly set them correctly? It then starts the cascading effect that if our priorities are not set in the proper order, then our commitment is off, etc. etc…

Whether we realize it or not, congruence plays quite a large part in our lives. We move towards things that we are in congruence with, and we move away from things that we are not.

When I asked Chris Venn, about congruence, he was able to break it down into three parts:

1. Definable and specific outcome
2. Overwhelming passion and/or desire
3. Specific action to take

If we have a definable and specific outcome, an overwhelming passion or desire, and we also have a specific action to take, it can then be said that we are in congruence with whatever it is we need to be in congruence with. If use the example of setting a goal for ourselves, it is paramount that all three parts are satisfied. If they are, we are congruent with the goal that we have set, however, if something is missing, we are not in congruence, we don’t achieve the goal, and here is why:

Depending on which part of the required three (Outcome, Action, Passion) is missing at any given time, we get a different resulting explanation of why we are not congruent.

OUTCOME + ACTION – Passion = COMPLACENT
To have a SPECIFIC OUTCOME, to be TAKING ACTION towards it and to NOT be passionate about it is to be COMPLACENT. In my opinion, there is probably nothing any more boring in life than to be complacent. To put it bluntly, COMPLACENCY = DEATH. There are two states in life: growth and decay. In order to be growing, in any aspect of your life, one cannot be complacent. If your job has a specific outcome, you are taking actions daily to reach this outcome, yet you are not passionate about it, are you not complacent? How many people do you know that are not passionate about what they do, yet keep taking action towards an outcome?

PASSION + ACTION – Outcome = UNFOCUSED
To be PASSIONATE about something, to be TAKING ACTION towards it, but to NOT have a specific outcome is to be UNFOCUSED. There are times when we are truly passionate about something and we have many actions we can fill our days with, yet without a specific and definable outcome, how do we know where we’re going? How do you get from point A to point B when you don’t even know where point B is or what it looks like? We know we really, really, really want to be at point B, we have a big list of things that we can do to get there, yet, really, we have no idea where it is…

OUTCOME + PASSION – Action = FEAR
To have a SPECIFIC OUTCOME, to be PASSIONATE about it, yet to NOT take action is to be in FEAR. Fear is probably the number one limitation for people when it comes to purpose, or just about anything else. Fear of airplanes prevents people from traveling and exploring THEIR world. Fear of heights keeps people from experiencing awe inspiring views. We all know them, have experienced them, are experiencing them, and know people that live them – here you fill in the blanks:

Fear of _____ prevents people from _____.

Now, for this post I am not going to get into the whole realm of ‘fear’ and we shall just recognize it as ‘one of the big ones’ out there that is holding back people, communities, and countries.

Although this model helps us understand how we can GET in congruence with something, it also helps us avoid some land mines along the way. What if you were to use the above model when looking at a new business opportunity? Is there a specific and definable outcome? What are the actions that will be taken to make the business happen? Are you passionate about your role and the business idea?

If you were to not have a positive response to each part, would it make sense to pursue this business ‘opportunity’? What if your business partner was missing a section?

For me, a big one is passion. It is one that I have been struggling with over the last while (some would say BIG WHILE), yet I feel that it is THE most important one of the three. As a business, a relationship, a blog, or whatever evolves and grows, the specific and definable outcome can change. The actions taken can also change, however, if passion decreases or is lost, really, the heart and soul is gone. Can something still work without passion? Absolutely! Assembly lines thrive on two out of three parts. They have a specific outcome (1000 cars per shift), and they have specific actions along the line (put widget A onto component B), however, are the laborers truly passionate about what they’re doing?

Personally, I have begun looking at various projects and such, starting with passion. The outcome and actions will either fall into place or not, yet if it is something that I am not passionate about from the beginning, I seriously wonder why I would even bother…

Congruence allows us to ultimately, set better priorities throughout or lives, which in turn, sets our own levels of commitment. Once we are committed to something, we become, unstoppable!

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What I Learned From The Passing Lane

// July 8th, 2007 // 9 Comments » // Logical Emotions, The MINeD Field

Well Bob over at Middle Zone Musings is at it again with another writing project, and the theme this time is Travel. Now, having done some in my lifetime there MUST be something I’ve learned along the way. Sure, I’ve learned how to control a massive delivery truck sliding sideways on an ice covered road, I’ve learned that the same truck CAN literally run over another vehicle, I’ve learned that airport security does NOT like my SCUBA equipment, toothpaste is apparently a dangerous weapon, you CAN board a plane with a large knife, and, well, we all know the list can go on and on.

I’ve been thinking about this post for the past week while I travel about Southern Ontario (Canada) and my slightly analytical brain began to see things that I hadn’t noticed before. Well, I’d likely noticed it, however, it never quite registered in my brain…

Ok, so what am I talking about? Simply the fact that we can tell quite a bit about someone, how they view themselves and the world around them by observing how they operate their car.

Previous to this past October, I had been spending quite a bit of time on a particular highway which runs between the city I used to live in, and where I was working at the time. Now, this highway is for the most part a two lane (one in each direction), however, over the years it has been expanded into a mega-commuter 5 lane’r (two each way with a center turn lane) simply due to the volume of traffic that uses it on a daily basis. It’s essentially a commuter route which taps the ‘burbs and leads over to the big “interstate” (400-series for us in Ontario) which leads south into Toronto.

To the East of the “interstate” it is 5 lanes all the way into the ‘burbs, and to the west it is primarily 2 lanes with the occasional 5 lane passing section leading out into the rural sleeper-towns. For me, I lived on the East side, and worked on the West side and didn’t have to travel down the “interstate” with the rest of the mayhem. This also means that I got to spend some time on the 2 lane section behind people, and then got to observe what happens when it widens out into 5 lanes… We essentially get 3 types of people:

1. Predictables – people who maintain their speed regardless of 2 lanes or +2 lanes.
2. Speeders – people who were doing the speed limit or less, but when it comes to multiple lanes, speed up and you’re likely not going to pass them.
3. Passers – people who are stuck behind those doing the limit or less, and when it comes to passing lanes, use them for actual passing.

My current theory is that the ‘Predictables’ are comfortable with their lives. They’re comfortable with their jobs, know where they are going, they know what the path is, and they know when they will arrive. They’re not going to risk a ticket by going a bit faster, and they’re not going to cause waves by going too slow.

The interesting ones are the ‘Speeders’ who were at least doing the speed limit (hopefully but not likely), however, when the road widened out their speed increases so that only the velocity-insane ones are able to get past, and when they are passed they are not happy about it. I’ve seen it a thousand times and it has always driven me crazy… until last week… I had always wondered about the reason why these people did it and for whatever reason, last week my brain suddenly said “What if their self-image makes them do it?”.

Self-image? Could our self-image, our beliefs, and our understandings possibly affect the way we drive?! No, this is driving! Saying that someones driving is ‘driven’ (sorry) by their self-image is well… … Stupidly obvious.

Is it really that simple? Well, the first question that comes to mind when observing this behavior, is: Do these people actually resent people getting ahead of them? If their self-image was indeed poor, many things would begin to fall into place. By doing the speed limit or less and clearly holding up traffic, these people now find themselves in a position of control. They could increase their speed slightly and move WITH everyone else, yet at that point it would not be about them.

When the road comes to a point where others are allowed to pass, they simply increase their speed sufficiently so that very few can actually pass. Conversely, when the road narrows back down again, their speed decreases and the resulting backup is also present. The argument that perhaps they are simply obeying the speed limit is completely annihilated once they increase their speed in the passing zone. The limit signs are all present when the zone starts, so really, they can’t even be mistaken about the speed limit being faster than it was before.

No, I firmly believe that we have a simple case of poor self-image. I wonder how these individuals act towards others at work – do they support them and try to help others around them succeed, or, do they prevent others from succeeding? Do they resent those ‘ahead’ of them? What about the people ‘passing’ them at work or in life? Are they aware of the effects their actions have on others?

The ‘Passers’ on the other hand have a hard time following behind these types of people. It’s a journey behind them where you find yourself slamming on the brakes, accelerating madly, or just wondering what possessed them to take that action. They realize that to spend time with these individuals is not ‘time well spent’ and extended periods of time with them can have a dangerous outcome.

The ‘Passers’ are the ones looking further down the road. They’re the ones who are stepping out and increasing their speed when necessary, maintaining when required, and recognizing the opportunities for change when they present themselves. Their cars are well maintained so that breakdowns are minimized, and they’re not ones to abuse their method of travel simply because they have made a conscious investment and are willing to protect it for the longer term.

The ‘Passers’ have less of a problem following the ‘Predictables’ and will only pass when the best situation presents itself. The understanding that the journey with the ‘Predictables’ is a safe one and also one that is still moving at a respectable speed. It is not a journey for everyone, but it is a comfortable, and predictable one.

Our self-image dictates every action we take during our lives, and even the simplest things like driving down the road indicate what we believe about the world and more importantly, what we believe about ourselves. I will admit that there are quite a few paths I could have gone down for this particular post, yet I think the passing lane is a good one to start with. Sure, there are the extremes of each case, yet for there to be an extreme, there has to be a basis.

The big ‘so what’ is really, which are you? Now knowing quite a few of this blog’s readership I could easily guess the majority, however, I believe it is a question worth asking. What about your friends? Which are they? What about family? There are some that will trip us up with just poor driving habits, however, the next time you’re heading down the road, have a look around and observe driving from the point of self-image – it’s all quite interesting…

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What about FINITE capacity?

// April 12th, 2007 // 10 Comments » // Brain Dump, The MINeD Field

I heard the phrase “infinite capacity for love” the other day, and as usual, my brain dropped a gear, took a hard right around the corner (nicely hitting the apex), and was off in another direction… oh, and if you’re not sure of my analogy on that one, you might not want to get into a car with me…

Ok, so if we have an infinite capacity for love, is the same also true for hate and general negativity? Well, logically, I would tend to agree, and whether or not it’s good for you is a topic for another post. Now, what if we DECIDED to have a FINITE capacity for things which are ‘negative’? No, I’m not going down the positive self-talk, banish negative from your life, etc. etc.. If you’re not aware of those yet, go read some other sites/books, try it out, then come back to this post.

Think of it this way: negative ‘stuff’ (hate, thoughts, emotions, people, and so on) comes into our lives quite regularly, and at some point we need to actually deal with it, correct? Well, the moment you have to deal with it, guess what, it’s in your life so the whole ‘eliminate negative’ doesn’t quite fit all the time. Ok, so what if we had a predetermined finite limit for negative stuff?

UPDATE: I had a really great analogy using marbles and a bathroom tissue tube (proximity of tube to toilet worked too), however, I think the ‘baggage’ one works best. If our stuff is in bags (hence baggage), how many bags can we carry? If another bag is thrown at you, AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT, you’re going to have to put one bag down to pick up the new one. Ideally, we would like to have a guy with a uniform, little hat, and a cart following somewhere in the distance dealing with it, however, for now we get the joy of dealing with our own bags…

Right, so then how does this apply to my everyday life because I’m tired of reading this stuff and not knowing what to do with it… I hear you.

How many bags CAN you carry vs. how many you THINK you can carry? What bag do you need to put down and how quickly can you do it? There is likely one, right now, that is digging into some sensitive fleshy bits that would be really nice to put down about now, but for whatever reason, we think it would be a good idea to carry it a bit further… Hey, who needs circulation/blood-flow when we’ve got bags to carry!

It all sounds rather silly and simple, yet when we hear “leave your baggage at the door”, we don’t think it applies to us.

Right then, so how many bags would you like to carry, and what’s the next bag you’re putting down?

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